jonmtm:

“it was strange reading your blog post and knowing you weren’t always like you are now because like that is you, you are jon and that is you” Demii in response to THIS post

I think it’s important to know that aside from the unhappiness I felt through other people’s behaviour, I, essentially was always the same Jon that people know and love/hate now.

One of the first things I learned through other people’s attitudes towards me was that compromising what I liked to fit in wasn’t going to be worth it, which was specifically aspects of pop music such as boy bands, Britney Spears and cheesy rock-metal groups that by social standards weren’t necessarily cool or ‘good’. The thing is, interests and enjoyment are individual. Many individuals may have certain things in common but what makes you yourself happy is the important thing to be aware of. And those things made and still make me happy. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind and stop liking them down the road, or that when you’ve changed your mind down the road that the joy you used to feel is no longer valid. 

So bands like Linkin Park, or listening to Backstreet Boys and NSync, or going to HMV to buy Britney Spears first album and the Hit Me Baby One More Time single aren’t embarrassing and they’re not regrets, even if I don’t listen to … well I don’t listen to Britney much right now. I’m not going to lie, I did listen to Linkin Park’s Hybrid Theory since writing that post and I enjoyed myself doing so, which I haven’t with that album for a while but that’s a different story and perhaps one that doesn’t even need to happen.

The same went for my interest in films. Typically, I like chick flicks like all the Hugh Grant ones, musicals like Gene Kelly’s Singin’ In The Rain and those dancing scenes out of Get Over It and 500 Days of Summer or Coyote Ugly. Then there’s Superhero or video game related films, comic book characters and the like (I watched Avengers and Batman in the cinema far too many times), alongside characters like James Bond and Bourne. But I don’t like zombies, I don’t like overly gory films and I don’t like horror. 

So coming to terms with what you like when you’re younger is important and when I was first aware that there were individuals trying to make me unhappy in aspects of my life or who would possibly cling to things I liked and try to make me like them less (thus isolating me from happiness and bringing me down more) I simply learned how to shut that out. It’s a really interesting and effective way to go through parts of life. If you dislike something, just don’t look at it. Don’t listen to it. Don’t interact with it at all. There’s no need to seek it out, and thus, negative, non-constructive opinions on my interests simply ceased to be a factor.

Secondly, I’ve grown up in a family where my mother was a child minder. I’ve always had it instilled to look after those younger than me, those in my care, those who are isolated or who don’t know how to do something, and to try and help them. Likewise, at school. You’re new, you’re welcome to hang out with me. You fell out with your friends, well if you want. That’s not that I was desperate for friends, as Nick said on the Facebook post, I still had a number of them at school and/but I made new ones daily, too. So I’ve always been a social glue, as Marion likes to refer to me.

Thirdly, I’ve always seemed to have a knack with getting what I want, achieving what I am after or being acknowledged by the people I wanted to. I’ve always tried to be inclusive - I can remember making friends with some people and trying to introduce my friend Jamie to them so that he, as a pretty shy kid at school, had someone to talk to whilst I was away on holiday or if I was off sick. That is how my mind worked then. At W.E. Love Sundays I try to introduce people to our group. When I meet other likeminded individuals I tend to form extra groups, like my photographers circle, musical circles and the like so that rather than working against one another there’s teamwork and cohesion. That is just how my mind works.

With meeting those you want to meet, some of this is just chance - an email or tweet offering the opportunity that few respond to, some of this is perhaps ‘The Secret’, but mainly I think it’s that I’m honest, upfront, appreciative, polite and helpful. When I was seventeen and I met the band who’d been keeping me sane, and then gradually over the years built up a bit of a rapport with one of the members, I’d remained as calm as I could muster, collected my thoughts as best I could and tried to remind myself that they were only human.

Because I remember Mike saying to me that when he’d met Jay-Z he was going through the same sort of things that I was going through when first meeting Mike. And I’ll meet lots of people who are more accomplished than me, who I admire and who could make me a bit fan boyish but they are just people. And I don’t mind getting excited when I get reblogged by Carrie Hope Fletcher, with an opportunity for hundreds to see one of my photos, even if they don’t care about who took it. It’s a good thing to see even one person appreciate your work. Or asking for a photograph with a collective of people who inspire me to continue, to grow, to improve and get better at things, because I want to remember the day and also I think other Youtubers would get mad at me for having not…

Below are some photos. I hope you like them.

*Late night post, might not all make sense.

If it makes you happy, and no-one is harmed by it, then do it. Have fun.

jonmtm:

It’s a funny world sometimes.

I just had the strangest reminder/memory (thanks to a Vokle session Daniel J Layton was doing just now) of a good ten+ years back at high school. Daniel’s pointed was that when he left high school, the things he was bullied for there [he didn’t specify but I believe he later referred to his camp behaviour, love of stereotypically effeminate things like Whitney Houston, Spice Girls etc] became the things girls loved him for at college. And I remember having that experience too when I went to college. You see, I have a whole bunch of people from high school on here (Facebook), and if you added me then I’ve obviously taken that as you’re interested in what I do and who I am now, even if back then you weren’t.

A lot of people were absolute jerks to me, and I was probably a jerk in my own right but I remember it being a lonely experience for a long time. I picked up a harsh nickname very early on that had no merit, and it literally tortured me for years 7 to 12. Of course in September 2002, sixth form (year 12), I made friends with Nick who has been one of my very best friends from then on. He stood up for me like I’d stood up for other people who’d later turned their back to remain ‘in’ their groups. And in time, other people realised that I was someone who was actually more than worthy of time. Still people held some childish grudge and in turn, I’d reciprocate because that was school. Then I left and went to college, and everything felt better.

Like, immediately. I mean, I’d already developed a pretty tough skin. And whilst I was far from an intimidating figure [I’m not exactly tall, and I was a pretty skinny, if not fast person], I knew how to stand my own when needed. But I didn’t really need that at college. I could be funny without someone needing to stomp it down for the sake of keeping me down. I could try new things, talk to new people, approach whoever and be this completely free person. 

But still in the back of my mind I remember thinking and worrying that if I ever got particularly successful or famous, those who used to bully or just casually be mean day in and day out (and believe me, up until Year 11 it was pretty continuous) would find me and would tell the world how looked down upon, how disliked I had been by random groups of people. I mean, when Nick and I had first become friends, I remember a boy came up to him and literally said “Why are you friends with Jon for?” to which Nick replied “What does it matter to you?” and walked off. They didn’t like Nick and I building our own little world of happiness without care or concern for them. So I had that fear, still. 

It used to worry me to not want to be a success. I think part of what I enjoyed about America and my early fascination and attraction to the country was how disassociated it was with school. I first started going to America without my parents in March 2004.

I left secondary school in August 2003 (year 12), I travelled up and down the country in November 2003 with a semblance of inclusive identity (within the Linkin Park fan group). With people who perhaps considered themselves outcasts, or maybe just were mutually passionate about something that I really enjoyed. I never felt like I related to the music but I liked the delivery and the noise. And I liked the people. I mean, I was this confident, happy, entirely overly-enthusiastic yet mellow guy. And I was loved.

I met people, and the more I met the more I realised how many went through this kind of stuff growing up. But I never particularly opened up about my experiences because all these other souls were far less healed than I felt, and I wanted to save them. I wanted to save everyone. The other day I reminded myself that you can’t save everyone. You can’t afford to emotionally or financially, but you can try to make the world a better place as you go.

So in 2004, I flew to the States with Vanesha, a friend I’d met casually wandering around England in November 2003. A friend whose only knowledge prior to meeting in Glasgow that November was that our driver had been hospitalised without letting us know, and that I’d guided the two others I was travelling with as we began getting trains, buses, coaches and cabs around the country. And the only other thing she knew was that we were fans and she could help. So she took our cases from place to place. And she would sit and listen, and smile and offer an escape from the two companions I was travelling with as they worried about how we would do the next thing. While I, calm as a duck, just enjoyed that I was away and around people who were passionate.

I went to America with that stranger. And I had a whale of a time. Americans loved me. I had no history here. It was addictive, I must say. Jeanne’ll attest to how much I loved having the ‘fan’ like communities over the following years. How I thrived among meeting people and helping out at these events (such as going to Germany with Cheryl so we could see some shows and engage with crowds of strangers because YOLO [for real]).

And I went back and forth to America many times. I dated some Americans, who I still like to consider good friends now. We weren’t, for a terrible while after the break ups, but I think we’re stronger now than then.

And each of you have been a pillar of sanity for me as I buried the memories of school bullies. And I was growing older but not confronting it, forgiving it, forgetting it. I was just hiding it somewhere without an X sign for someone to find at a later date. And newer friends have been made since. And I still try to be the person who will introduce myself to new people and invite them to meet the people I am with. To make my friends interconnected when possible. To not bear grudges and to hopefully get most things sorted quick.

So I’m not judging anyone on here for what we did as kids. I’m just aware of how it made me feel then, and just aware that I haven’t ever really talked about it nor even visited the memory of it since. And I wanted to correct that, if for a short second.

And know that on the whole, I am happy now. I’m a lot more mended and put together. I’m more successful, and I’ve failed many times in many side projects. My passions have always been somewhat intense, burning candles at both ends ‘til there is no wax left to melt, no wick to light. And then I have moved to the next.

But really, I’m not afraid to be successful. And that’s the main thing to take away from this. Because for so long, I was. Life gets better. It gets better, and as Tom Ridgewell says, you get better at dealing with it too.

So have this block of honesty. Because not many people are honest on the internet any more. Bullshit baffles brains - a mess of information that hides what you’re not saying, behind lots of easily avoidable things that you are.

jonmtm:

Yesterday, I found myself laughing at song lyrics that were either grand naivety or supreme understanding of the simplicity of the world we live in. My mind still completely over analyses and complicates situations to the state where esteem interferes with action, and I sit and stare into the past or future rather than living in the now. The opportunities for heartbreak over the last three years that I have side stepped - rather than risking hurt, spent in isolation - and the opportunities to take other risks too are overwhelming.

And it’s strange that I am emboldened to want to take some more of these risks just as I have booked my next International adventure. Because that gives me time to recreate myself, to build on what I like and dispose of what I don’t. We should constantly be changing for the better of ourselves and society, don’t you think.

But on the flip side, it means I have to conserve finances for this trip because otherwise I’ll get out there and starve. So it’s all about finding balance. I almost feel like I need to get rejected, need to fail, need to be discouraged to succeed. Or maybe one of those potential rejections will resort in a yes. It’s difficult to hear a yes if you never ask a question that can result in that answer.

So I laughed a lot yesterday, hearing some obvious things and seeing the simple signs. Saying hello. Asking names. Making more contacts. Getting up and moving. GET UP. MOVE.

I’ve been questioning my value a fair bit lately. I think that ties in with the fact that I’ve not been sleeping lately. The more tired I get, the less personal value I see in myself, which is most likely due to fatigue and nothing more.

But then when you’re tired and questioning your worth you sleep worse, and it rolls on.

When I’m around my friends, I feel like I am wanted [most of the time], and it’s the isolation that overwhelms the most tired of my moments. But I’ve also been a little bit busy lately and unable to spend more time hanging out with friends.

Basically I want to do that more.